sorry i haven't updated in a while. i've been having a rough time with what i have diagnosed as culture shock. i don't know why it has taken me six months to get there, but it has, and i'm there.
the reality of my life here is that it's really not bad at all. i have a job, friends, even a family i get to be a part of on weekends. i'm not entirely alone at home since i have xander. though i can't deny how lonely i feel at home every night by myself. there is a sub-reality, too. that is that even when i'm with people (which is at least all day 4 days a week) i feel distant. of course there is the ever-present language barrier, but i'm able to cope with that one for the most part. there is also a cultural barrier that is significant and usually obvious to me. that's stuff like i don't get (most) hungarian jokes and hungarians don't get (some of) mine. there is also the homesickness barrier which involves the isolating fact that even the people who know me best in hungary have only known me for six months. i miss being surrounded by people who know me and my life and my past and my personality already. no offense to my hungarian peeps, they're doing well to get to know me and let themselves be known, but it's just... different.
[edited out because i want to keep my job]
so while i was home (sick) today i cleaned the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. i think it was the first time in about 3 weeks. i'm not proud of the state i let the apartment get to, but i don't apologize for it either. when i'm bummed, it doesn't help me to clean. today i forced myself to do it. i took out three bags of trash (don't get crazy, they are like midget trash can bags), washed every dish and piece of cutlery i could remember using, did the stovetop, bathtub, vacuumed, and did 3 out of 4 loads of laundry. and i listened to my iPod all the while, singing with all my heart as i revamped my apartment life.
oh, when i took the trash out i saw a black person on the other side of the street. i stared a little.
i was supposed to have a private lesson with some sweet girls this afternoon, but as i got ready to leave to meet them i looked at my phone and saw i had received a text from one of them which cancelled the lesson. i was happily surprised and even a little glad that something had tricked me into getting dressed for the day.
prayers are certainly welcome for my state of mind. i can't wait to think the differences between american and hungary are funny again. right now i just find them irritating.
when i googled "culture shock" and read a few articles, it suggests getting back in touch with my american-ness. watching movies or t.v. from america, eating american foods (which i miss much more now than i have since i've been here), talking to friends and family, hanging out with other ex-pats from USA (there aren't too many around these parts) should all do me a world of good. oh, i should also get involved in some regular activity and maintain my language learning. i should go to the same shops all the time and become a regular somewhere. i should say hi to my neighbors.
things i'm supposed to avoid isolating myself, figuring out ways to go home, talking/thinking negatively about hungary/hungarians, and trying to deny that i'm having culture shock.
some sights that have been helping me out by making me laugh are:
passiveaggressivenotes.com
cakewrecks.blogspot.com
failblog.org
postcardsfromyomomma.com
postsecret.com
8 comments:
I'm glad you could put a label on what is making you feel that way - sometimes, that is what you need to start digging out of the depression. I feel like I have neglected you since my visit, and I'm sorry. It must be lonely for you each day - going home to Xander, who, even on the best days, isn't that talkative! I'll be praying for you and hoping that you can find some group to fit into there - be it a language group, a group of ex-pats, or a group of gypsies - just some friends who can make you feel better! And I hope the mental health day helped - you probably needed it more than you realized - and I think it definitely qualifies as a sick day too. Poor baby sis - I miss yer guts and luv yer guts tons!
First off I'm so glad you stayed home today! Good for you! I almost set my alarm for 1:00am, but I REALLY needed to be up on time this morning! :) I did not call you on my way to work for the simple reason I was sure you were NOT at school and having a mental health day! And I didn't want to interrupt. You deserve it. Take the train to the nearest McDonald's order food, walk back to the train station and go home. (then pretend that you are driving to some obscure location in America (with me) just to eat McDonald's somewhere different)
cakewrecks.blogspot.com - this makes me laugh too! I have a whole post written on it! Just waiting for some day when I need to post something...SO FREAKING FUNNY! HA!
Hey Christie,
This is Margie, CETP teacher in Kisvarda, about 45 minutes by train northeast of you. I came late, so didn't meet everyone at Orientation. Tara told me I should read your blog. Funny, I've been feeling down a bit myself lately and almost cried in a class on Friday when the students wouldn't listen to me! Granted, I had a bad cold and hadn't slept much the night before, but also wondering sometimes why I am here when the kids don't want to learn. ANYWAY, know I'm here and available (except I am going to Heves this weekend) to get together, chat on line (are you on facebook or skype or gmail?) or whatever. Hang in there.
Oh Crum, I'm sorry you're having such a rough patch. I'm sure it won't last long 'cause you always make other people laugh, so I know you can entertain yourself, too. :) Maybe it'd help to know that we all go through this, even in America. Liz & I were just talking about how sometimes, when we get overwhelmed, we just cry for seemingly no reason. And we even get annoyed that we can't think of a tangible reason. So yeah, it happens to all of us. But maybe it'll be of more comfort to know how much your family (and friends) love you and miss you and think about and pray for you. Because we do.
I wish I coud send you a care package full of your friends & hamburgers & chik-fil-a, but your friends would probably eat all the burgers & chicken before the package arrived, and besides, I think what you really could use is just some love... A hug. So if it's the thought that counts, I'm thinking about me hugging you right now. (((huggeroo))) You'll be okay, sissy.
Bonus comments = more love ;)
I am praying for you. I was thinking about you this morning and decided to check your blog. So glad I did. Love you,
Mary Martha
if i could, i'd send you an extra-large-been-a-reen hug and i wouldn't even squeeze you too tightly! and a kiss "right there" for you too!
It is very interesting to see an almost identical letter from another teammate teaching in Egypt this year, also experiencing similar feelings, just last week. It must be the timing. It is totally normal and it will pass. You have a wonderful spirit of joy that won't stay down.
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