end of school

today was my last day of teaching.

*deep and heavy sigh*

i couldn't be happier to be finished.

this year i was less content with my life than i've ever been. overall school was not good. not fun. not rewarding. i've weighed it in my mind and, though there were some good kids, good times, good lessons, good relationships, i honestly -and regretfully- think i would have been better off somewhere else this year. i try to live in such a way that i have no regrets, but this year got the best of me. i feel like i wasted my time here. that's a stomach-wrenching feeling i don't hope to experience again.

kids are kids everywhere, i realize. they're teenagers who have bigger things on their minds than learning english. it really sucks when your students don't care about what you're teaching. i think i was spoiled when i taught ESL in texas and my students were so desperate to learn english.

i also teach in language schools here where the students (adults) do their homework, pay attention for the whole lesson, and want to make up missed lessons.

i taught in a great school last year where the students are all college-bound, bright, and have good senses of humor. we got on pretty well (save 2 evil classes) and got a lot done. when we said goodbye there were cheek kisses, hugs, gifts, and even tears.

today, on my last day of school, i was jovial and jubilant and giddy and blissful, as i was wholeheartedly aware that i don't have to do this again. there were no cheek kisses, hugs, or gifts. i cried a tear or two of "wow, i actually survived" relief when i came home from the last class.

this year i taught in two schools. one is a catholic school full of mostly polite students. their ability in english varied, as did their attitudes toward learning, but at least their behavior was under control. sometimes they didn't want to learn or do anything, sometimes they whined when we had conversations for grades, but they were respectful and i felt like they cared about the kind of adults they will become.

the teachers in the good school were very friendly and helpful. they always asked about me and my classes and vacations and my life. we ate together, talked together, joked together, and had a memorable and pleasant year. i'll gladly stay in touch with the people i got to know there as long as possible. i'll likely offer them a speech of gratitude for the great year and thank them for their kindness toward a stranger in a strange land. they are the only reason i'm still sane. and that's the truth.

in the bad school... wow. there were good kids in every class, of course, but they were largely outnumbered and overshadowed by the bad behavior and attitudes rampant in the 'lutheran' high school. the level of english varied, certainly, but on a much lower scale. teaching here was nearly impossible and it's devastating to think these people will soon be RUNNING hungarian society. lord help hungary. to sum up the year: i had problems with, shed tears over, got fighting mad at, and mentally gave up on the students, teachers, AND administrators. it got me thinking i shouldn't even be a teacher because i seriously can't cope with people behaving in ways i witnessed this year.

i am certain i won't be missed (or even remembered) in this school. i say that because they forgot about me the entire year. i also say that because of their record with native english teachers. thankfullyly, they are not representative of all hungarian people. most hungarians strive to be hospitable and friendly (at least once they get tot know you...).

last year the teachers in my old school gave me a gift and a goodbye letter with all of their signatures. even the administrators, who didn't speak english, bid me farewell with kisses and good wishes. i felt sad to leave the staff last year and knew i'd miss those people and exchanged phone numbers with some so that we'd stay in touch.

i neither expect nor want the same goodbye from these people (bad school peeps). there are 2 or 3 teachers who would give me the time of day, so i'll say goodbye to them. i'll actually MISS the financial office ladies, the cleaning staff, the ladies who guard the door, the secretary, my neighbor the priest, and the handy man when i'm gone. i guess these are more 'my people' than my "colleagues". i've never felt like part of the staff here and i'm going to count that a blessing.

i'm sorry to report this to you, family and friends (and possible strangers), really sorry. honesty has won out. this year was an emotional roller coaster from which i'm happy to alight. i'm a different person now than i was. unfortunately, i'm think i'm more bitter and cynical, less inspired, less motivated, and less hopeful. i was unprepared for such a year and my spirit paid the price for it. i'll inwardly address this during the summer, but i'm burnt out hardcore and i really need a break.

*sigh*

done.

finally.